So often we avoid communicating openly and honestly with each other. Perhaps it’s a conversation that’s emotionally charged and we have no idea how to navigate it without coming off as aggressive. Or we shy away from speaking our needs, afraid it may offend or damage the relationship. Here’s how to connect authentically using Non-Violent Communication.

Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg believed it is possible for interactions to emphasize empathy, compassion and understanding, and developed a communication methodology called Non-Violent Communication (NVC). At its heart NVC fosters connection and mutual respect, which enables us to address conflicts and express needs without resorting to blame or criticism.

The core components of Non-Violent Communication

NVC consists of four key components that follow on from one another:

1. Observation: State the specific action or event in an objective way, without attaching evaluation or judgment. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always late,” you might say, “I noticed you arrived 15 minutes after our agreed meeting time.”
2. Feelings: Express your emotions in response to the observed behaviour. For example, “I feel frustrated when our meetings don’t start on time.”
3. Needs: Identify the underlying need or value related to the feelings expressed. For example, “Punctuality is important to me because it shows respect for each others’ time.”
4. Requests: Make a clear, specific request that relates back to and fulfils the identified need. For example, “Could we agree to start our meetings promptly at the scheduled time?”

Applying NVC in daily life

Implementing NVC can transform personal and professional relationships. Here are two scenarios to illustrate its application:

In personal relationships:

Imagine a situation where one partner feels overwhelmed by household responsibilities.

• Observation: “I’ve noticed that I’ve been handling most of the chores this week.”
• Feelings: “I feel exhausted and a bit unappreciated.”
• Needs: “I need support and shared responsibility in maintaining our home.”
• Request: “Could we discuss a fair division of chores that works for both of us?”

Taking this approach encourages open dialogue and mutual problem-solving, which reduces potential resentment.

In the workplace:

Consider an employee who feels their contributions are overlooked during team meetings.

• Observation: “In our last three meetings, I didn’t have the opportunity to share my ideas.”
• Feelings: “I feel discouraged and undervalued.”
• Needs: “I need to feel that my input is recognized and valued.”
• Request: “Could we implement a system in our meetings to ensure everyone has a chance to speak?”

By articulating concerns through NVC, the employee addresses the issue constructively, promoting a more inclusive environment.

The benefits of Non-Violent Communication

Adopting NVC has many advantages:

• Enhanced empathy: Practising active listening brings us closer to understanding another person’s perspective.
• Reduced conflict: Focusing on needs rather than positions helps de-escalate tensions.
• Improved relationships: Respectful and clear communication builds trust and allows for collaboration.
• Personal growth: There’s a greater self-awareness and improved emotional intelligence as a result.

Challenges and considerations

Although NVC can transform communication, it still takes practice and commitment. At first, it might be a challenge to speak without making judgments or to pinpoint exactly what our underlying needs are. Then there are added layers of influence, like cultural norms and personal habits, affecting how we communicate. Adopting NVC may be a gradual process but with consistent effort it is possible to experience the benefits of more harmonious interactions.

The big picture

Non-Violent Communication provides a framework for fostering understanding and compassion in our interactions. By focusing on observations, feelings, needs and requests, we can communicate more effectively and build stronger, more empathetic relationships. Embracing NVC not only enhances personal and professional connections but also contributes to a more compassionate and understanding society.

Have you tried Non-Violent Communication? We’d love to hear how you have integrated it into your personal communication style and applied it to your daily life.

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