ONCE UPON A TIME IN CULTURELAND: THE SEQUEL
I love the concept of “Cultureland”. It expresses the essence of the international experience that we expats share, no matter where we are in the world. Today we check in with repat Eva Antza, whose exploration of cultural intelligence has helped her make sense of her experience living in another culture. This is Eva’s story of going “home” and the surprising confusion she felt on her return…
Here I am again, writing about my favourite thing in the world: culture! Oh dear, Culture, I am feeling so weird and I wanted to ask you, while knowing in my heart that I won’t get an answer: why are you so powerful?
Two years ago I wrote about you. I was so happy at the time! I had discovered your power, your influence, and I was mesmerised by your ability to make the world so beautiful. But now I find myself in the middle of reverse culture shock!
You see, I have returned to my home country, Greece, after living in Norway for seven years. It took me some time to fully adapt to the Norwegian lifestyle. It wasn’t too difficult though, as the introverted side of me had finally found a home; I could fully express this part of me without fear of judgement. (Sure, the extrovert in me had some issues adapting, but it went okay).
I made friends from all over the world and loved people who didn’t share the same values as me – our mutual respect for each other’s way of being was enough to create relationships that mattered. I developed cultural understanding and acceptance of people who are different from me.
And then I decided to go back to where my life started. Having become more conscious and more self-aware, I thought it would be better for me to be in sunnier weather, away from long winters, close to people I grew up with. Yet, I had forgotten one very important aspect of expatriation: I was not the same person any more.
Reverse culture shock
I was pretty sure that I was well prepared for the change. “It’s going to be fine,” I kept telling myself. “You know all about transition; you’ll be fine.” Oh my! I’ve seen that no matter how many things we know, life in action can be very different. Who would have thought that the country I grew up in could be so foreign to me? That I would feel like an alien in my own country?
I thought that if I were fully conscious of my choices, I would always be able to deal with the madness of the world, and avoid the pain. I didn’t realise that even conscious choices have emotional consequences that will be felt (not just cognitively understood).
Dear Culture, I am writing to you because I need to express the way I feel. Maybe a part of me hopes that someone, somewhere will read this and understand what I am going through. I know it’s called reverse culture shock but there is a huge difference between knowing something and feeling it. This period feels very lonely. I can’t identify with anything “Greek” any more. My habits are different, my hobbies are different, even the words I like to use are different. People think that I exaggerate when I explain this and that it’s not normal to not remember how it was before I left.
Why is it so hard?
The truth is that I don’t remember because I experienced Greece as a Greek, completely unaware of my cultural bias. But I don’t feel “just Greek” any longer. I have adopted so many different traits of Scandinavia that it feels like I am half Norwegian, half Greek.
Seven years was long enough to learn, change and grow in different ways. It was enough to see the world and love it for what it is and not for what I think it is. Seven years was enough to stop projecting my cultural bias and learn that it’s okay for people to be different, that there is no danger in diversity, and that the key to world peace lies in the acceptance of this diversity.
However, I don’t know how knowing all these things can help me now. For the moment, the sense of not belonging makes me very sad.
My question to you, Culture, is: “Will I ever feel that I belong anywhere?” Or will I be forever burdened with feeling that I never fully belong?”
How would you respond to Eva? Leave a comment below!
Photo: Sage Friedman/Unsplash
Great question. At the age of 75, I would say I have found a sense of belonging in many different ways and places…hmmm, as I write that, I wonder if it is quite true? Do I belong to places or people?
Let me think. I know for sure I have a deep sense of belonging in my family. Through the years with my extended family of siblings and inlaws, but in some ways that has changed as we all got older and formed our own nuclear (and then expanding) families. Now, for sure, as the mother of 3 and grandmother of 13, anytime I am with them, I know I belong.
I live in Indianapolis where I am not sure it is so much a sense of belonging as a nesting place to which I return or remain. It is from here I communicate to the world in these days of covid and zooms, but my sense of belonging in this city is still more connected to my relationships in other places which I do from here.
Which leads me to the moment I really knew I Had a place to belong..and that was in the internationally mobile community. We moved to Kenya for a year after i had lived in Indianapolis for 8 years in that slightly suspended mode and the first night I was there meeting others who introduced themselves and told of just returning from a trip to Indonesia, or going out on the Masai Mara to map the whiskers on the lions and other cats there as part of identifying them and on and on, I realized how strange this conversation would be in Indianapolis, but in this environment with other globally moving folks, it was all quite normal. No one was bragging. And that is when I realized that no one can belong everywhere, but in this community I belonged. Barely knew them but that night I felt I had come home…even though I Hadn’t lived in Kenya before!
And with that, it became easier then to relate to my neighbors here in the shared experiences we also had by living in a particular community but I didn’t need to insist (even within myself) that they would understand all of my story just as I likely couldn’t quite understand all of theirs since I didn’t grow up in a small farm town as they had…and it was OK…we could still be friends in what we did share.
So maybe this is why when folks ask me that impossible to answer question, “Where are you from?” I simply say “I live in Indianapolis”…If people ask “Where is home?” I say, “I feel at home in many places for different reasons…” and it is OK with my soul! I know what I mean and from this space I can include all the pieces of my life rather than trying to choose just one place or one people…I think I like it like that!
Dearest Ruth,
Your words are full of wisdom, and so is your journey. Yours is a journey that reminds us that although we often seek “home” on the outside, home, as you mention, can be found in the connections and relations that we form as we move through life.
I love your response to the question “where is home?” It’s true that there are so many aspects to home: including the places we’ve discovered for the first time (and where we’ve discovered a new side of ourselves) and the people we’ve met along the way. Most importantly, home is where we feel we can be ourselves, where we belong, and for many of us, that’s within the internationally mobile community.
Thank you for sharing with us. It is such an honour to read your story.
And thank you for all you have offered to the international community; it wouldn’t be the same without your devotion in serving us! Love you and thank you! Honoured to have your comment in our blog.
Much love,
Vivian
I totally relate Eva, and this question burns up all the way from deep inside, because it feels like the essence of what you are going through now… I think there isn’t one simple answer to that… the reason why we are asking ourselves this question is because it stems from our core and who we truly are.. you mention being extrovert and introvert at the same time.. some people call this ambivert but it resonates as well.. because we adapt and it feels as a rebirth every time.. it hurts but it is what shapes us… I haven’t answered your question and I can’t because I ask myself the same thing… but I feel you so I think we both belong in our ability to feel the same emotions, the same pain and the same hardship… we belong when we are deeply understood… I don’t thing belonging is in a real space.. it is in our souls…
Dear Ray
Thank you for your heartfelt and compassionate contribution to this very important and meaningful question of belonging. I love your description of adapting being like a rebirth each time! Your comment about our need to be “deeply understood” is very insightful and is a key reason to walk the journey towards understanding ourselves too.
Warm wishes
Vivian
Hi! This totally resonates with me on many levels! Will I ever feel like I belong anywhere? I asked myself this question a lot growing up. I was born in the UK and grew up in Germany, the UK, India and Canada. My mom is born in Africa with Indian background and my dad is Swiss. My parents were expats themselves most of their lives! I’ve been in NL now longer than I’ve ever been anywhere! For me, I came to the conclusion that I belong where I live and where my family is (now that means me, my husband and kids). But I still wish I would have a place that I’m from that I could go back to and feel this is my culture. But the truth is I am a mix of different cultures and that’s what makes me unique! I do wonder what it’s like to fit in completely in one country though and feel like this is where I’m from!! And same as Ruth, when people ask me where I’m from I usually just say “I live in the Netherlands” until they dig deeper lol my kids also never know how they should answer this question and I noticed my 4 year old completely ignores whoever is asking it and looks at them like “what are you talking about, I come from my moms tummy” ?
Hi Janine
Thank you so much for sharing your (incredibly multicultural!) life experiences. The complexity and depth of your “where do I belong?” story is beautiful, and I couldn’t agree more: it is what makes each of us unique! Absolutely love your 4-year-old’s response. 🙂
Warmest wishes
Vivian