When the Kids (or Parents) Move Away: A Mother Shares Her ‘Empty Nest’ Story
Empty nest is often described as a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home for the first time. Yet, by building your “nest” branch by branch (a core philosophy behind Expat Nest), you can feel whole and fulfilled no matter which stage your children are in. As we follow the reflections of author, publisher and serial expat Jo Parfitt, we also see that an empty nest can offer the opportunity to grow and to discover other parts of yourself.
The global family’s empty nest
Traditionally empty nest may be experienced when kids leave home for tertiary study or to live independently. For the global family, however, empty nest takes on many shapes and forms. For example, kids may leave home at a much earlier age, because they’re being schooled in their home country while parents are abroad, or because parents go on work assignments and live away from the rest of the family. Your nest could also feel empty later in life – for example, if your adult child moves abroad for work or for love.
Keep building your nest…
Jo was surprised not to feel a sense of grief when her two boys left home (then the Netherlands) to go to university in London. “We had great friends, fulfilling work and felt totally at home,” she writes. “Their absence did not leave the gaping hole I had been anticipating. What’s more, their proximity meant we saw them often.”
She also believes her decision to develop herself beyond her role as a mother helped with the transition. No matter where she and her husband relocated, Jo adapted her career accordingly – the lessons she learned along the way led to the inspiring book, Career in Your Suitcase (the latest edition written with career consultant Colleen Reichrath-Smith).
Says Jo: “I think I did a pretty good job of retaining my professional identity … I knew I was not unaffected by the loss of young men raiding my fridge frighteningly fast, but I thought I was coping fairly well.”
Empty nest can arrive unexpectedly…
When she and her husband relocated to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, in 2013, leaving both sons in Europe, Jo was taken aback by her sudden sense of loss. “I think this was when my empty nest really hit home,” she says. “After 28 years on the move we’re used to being a short plane ride from family and friends, but being a long-haul flight from our offspring was a big deal.”
Though an experienced expat, Jo found herself in a new set of circumstances: she and her husband were in their fifties and had no social network or support group in their new location. Jo had also decided, for the first time in decades, not to set up a business locally (though she would continue her work online).
And so she found herself facing days both without kids and clients; her feelings of empty nest emerging among the unfamiliarity of her new way of life. “Being defined for so many years by my work, I was distinctly uneasy at coffee mornings,” she says. “[Previously] I didn’t do morning events; that was when I worked.”
Seeing the gap as space to explore
As she has (slowly) developed her life in Kuala Lumpur – “where it used to take me a year when the kids were at home, to settle in a new place, this time it’s honestly taken two” – she and her husband have started to enjoy the unexpected benefits of their new childfree status, like unhindered travel; longer visits from family as well as from friends with empty nests; and the chance to visit their sons, who have since moved to Indonesia and Germany, in their own exciting locations.
The biggest surprise? “The joy of hosting young strangers in our house,” says Jo. The couple regularly has young guests to stay, whether friends or random acquaintances of her sons, who happen to be passing through Kuala Lumpur. “And so they visit and in a flash our nest is full of life and smelly feet again. We enjoy the company. In a way they become proxy children. … Nests, I realise, have different degrees of emptiness. Making sure they, like beds, never get completely cold, is definitely my preferred coping mechanism.”
The different shapes of our nest
Jo’s story shows us there is no hard and fast rule for what the global family’s empty nest looks like. Of her own empty nest, she says: “[It] keeps changing. It changes size and shape month on month. Like the sand dunes in Dubai it moves and shifts, gently morphing imperceptibly into something new.”
Adapted with permission from “The Shifting Sands of the Expat Empty Nest” by Jo Parfitt.
Have you experienced empty nest? How did you deal with it and what have you learned about yourself? Feel free to share below.
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© Vivian Chiona, Expat Nest
Jo’s story shows that in all circumstances, what is most important is adaptability, a philosophical look at life and love, a great sense of humour and an appreciation of the magic of it all, I can imagine Jo and her husband experiencing all this and being open to it all, and that has made the difference for their experience. Looking forward to the new thing on 20 September:)
Dear John,
Thanks for your comment and as always it is great having you here.
Glad to hear that you found this article valuable and that you had so many insights from Jo’s story.
Many thanks and best wishes,
Vivian
ps. Yes there will be some surprises on the 20th as it is my birthday and I always prepare something special for my amazing readers/members of the Expat Nest community ?
I have feeled the empty nest in my life when I left my country (India) for higher studies. I moved to Canada to learn some thing new. I didn’t know anyone over there. Everything was new for me. I had rented a room, I started living with new people who has different language. But soon we were like a family. The old lady used to tell me that I don’t have to feel alone. She is my mother. It was a very emotional period. Soon in my class I found a sister. We have made a family. We used to go for family meetings. We were comfortable discussing each other problems. The life has taught me that family is not all about blood relations. I have left Canada 4 years ago and still we talk to each other and share our worries, happiness etc. The world is full of good people around us. I feel, if we need help we should ask for it.
Dear Bhawana,
Thanks for your comment and sharing your thoughts and experiences with us.
Indeed it is important to be open to love and kindness in all circumstances, let alone when we are away from our ‘nest’.
Best wishes,
Vivian
I went to boarding school when I was 14 and my mother said that some of the things that helped her deal with it a lot was 1. the notion that no news is good news. This meant that I was doing well, I was not causing trouble and I was enjoying my time there. Secondly, now that I am at university in another country, we talk to each other on the phone a lot, sometimes because I need help with something but mostly just to catch up on what is happening in our lives and how things are going. This gives me the feeling that I can still talk to her whenever I need to and she knows that she is still my go to person to talk to.
Hi Josy
You’ve hit on a wonderful strategy there – keeping regular contact with your mom. When we’re apart, we often miss out on the everyday moments. By making the effort to chat regularly with loved ones, we can maintain the intimacy of these relationships and feel supported (as well as support them) no matter the distance.
Best wishes
Vivian