Expat story: Where is home to me?
In this Tuesday’s article, Expat Nest shares the story of Alkmini, a Greek-born expat living in London. She describes what home is to her, how the meaning of ‘home’ has changed for her over time and how she developed the resiliency to cope with the confusion around that key question for so many expats: where is home?
At Expat Nest we often speak to clients who are facing this dilemma. We wanted to share Alkmini’s story because she so beautifully expresses her journey to a place of peace and a sense of home. Do let us know if it resonates with you!
“I’m writing this while at home. Having been an expat for almost six years, finding ‘home’ has been a real adventure, and this is my story (which is maybe similar to yours).
I was born and grew up in Athens, Greece, and have lived in London for the past six years. When I first came to London, I thought of myself as a traveller on a long trip – I was discovering a new place and then I would go home, back to where I came from, where my family and friends lived. After the first year, I decided I was extending the stay – my trip was not over yet – so I could further explore this new world and then I’d go home.
My London stay, however, turned out not to be a vacation, but the beginning of a new life with rather long-term career plans. It took me years, though, to realise that London was not a travel destination to me anymore; Athens was. When I finally understood this, there was one question left in my mind: ‘So, where is home?’ Despite how much I loved Athens, I sometimes felt a foreigner in my hometown, I did not have a regular phone number on my return trips, and my wifi did not automatically connect.
Home (that is, Athens) has always defined my existence and when I found out that I needed to rediscover my sense of home, I was deeply shocked. Looking back, it probably took me about three years to realise that home was no longer where I thought it to be, and another two to overcome the shock of this realisation and discover the new home. The process that brought me to where I am today was painful, but also valuable.
I feel at home now in London, and this is mainly because I live with people I love: my partner, Nikolas, and some very good friends. I also live in an area I love, where I can find all the (simple) things that make me happy (like small balconies, smiling neighbours, pistachio ice cream and yoga classes). Finally, I work in a place I always wanted to, with people I admire and deeply respect.
Julia, a friend from London, once told me that I need to ‘come to terms’ with where I am. I achieved that only when I realised there were so many people (like her!) and things I loved right where I was, that I did not even need to come to terms with my new life! This was not a compromise, but the very moment when I got out of the waiting room and into real life.
All in all, I am the same person, but I’ve found out that, unlike trees, I am remote. Realising that I can be myself and find myself in different places, I have finally found home, and in case I leave again, I will take this insight with me.
It would be a lie to say that I do not want to go back to Athens at some point in my life, because I do. But till then, I will stay at home.”
So, now we would love to hear from you. Where is home to you? How did you get to that point – or are you still on your journey of discovery? What are your thoughts on this article?
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Excellent article!!!! So simple but so true at the same time! <3 loved it!
Absolutely true. Hard to accept though for many who still see their homeland as home after many years of living abroad. Seems to me a matter of the grass being greener at the neighbour. I used to tell my ex “appreciate to the fullest all the wonderful things you now have over here and stop looking back; your former home has changed too nor was it paradise. You had your struggles out there and would be having them there now too if you would be living there. Nothing is perfect. Don’t ideolise”.
Home is now here in Hungary. I was born in Germany, but I didn’t feel like it was my home, being born of Hungarian parents. When I was 8, we moved to the USA where I didn’t feel at home either. There were people who told me to go back to where I came from. In 1971 I moved to Canada, where I came closest to feeling at home. In 1977 I came home to the land of my parents and have been living here ever since. I don’t always feel like I’m at home but there’s no other place where I feel most at home.
I used to liken my experience to being like the ghost ship, the Flying Dutchman, that could never reach port because of a curse placed on it. I was born in the U.S., lived in France for 12 years, returned home and acquired Spanish, which is the language I use with my Dominican husband. As I re-create a global environment in my hometown, I often feel like a foreigner when my fellow citizens fail to understand me. I make the effort to reach out to them and ask about their lives, but they cannot reciprocate. They aren’t acting out of malice; there is a difference between “cannot” and “will not.” They do a good job welcoming visitors from abroad but are nonplussed by the “part-time nomad.”
Good question. According to some expats I’ve worked with this seems to be a challenging situation to live in, specially when going for a second or third assingment without getting back to one’s initial “home”.
Defining “home” started a long lasting and interesting exchange with other consultants and expats last year. Here’s what I said about my perception/ definition of “Home”
“HOME” is any place where I feel comfortable enough to envisage settling because of geographical characteristics or social bonds. Looking back into the past I have had many homes: some were temporary homes, some are lasting homes but all are associated to strong emotional experiences. All those experiences are based upon spontaneous and mutual acceptance and respect of our differences and were unconditional. By that I mean they were genuine and there was no need to tell what was expected from one another.
Though I do feel at home where I live today, “Home” is also , and very often, a moment of conscious emotional intimacy with people… . That can happen any place, anywhere in the world… and you will recognize the place and the people immediately.
Home, for me, is where the heart is. I was born and raised in India and feel an emotional connection as it’s the country of my birth. After 28 years of living outside the country, it’s no longer my home and I could not live there anymore but I love to visit and re-discover the country. The US is where I did my undergrad and grad studies. It was the land of my dreams and where I wanted to spend my life. It was my home and would have continued to be my home until a tall, blue-eyed Swede came into my life and whisked me away to Scandinavia. Sweden is now my permanent home because this is where my heart is…husband and child. However, India and the US occupy big chunks of my heart and always will.
I’ve lived in other countries too for work (Netherlands, Croatia, Bosnia, DRCongo and Eritrea) but did not consider them to be “home” because I knew they were work assignments for 1-2 years. I enjoyed living and working in these countries and learning about the cultures and interacting with the local people but I consider my stay as part of my life’s journey.
As one of the earlier commentators said, “home” is
“A moment of conscious emotional intimacy with people”.
Dear Esperancita, Louis, Endre, Lori, Olivier, Nisha,
Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and valuable experience. It is interesting to see what ‘ home’ means to you and to learn from your meaningful insights. I am glad you find this article valuable and your kind feedback is much appreciated.
Looking forward to reading your further comments, should you have any further insights while re- reading this article or through your life experience. Let’s keep our channel of communication in this discussion thread open 🙂
Kind regards
Vivian
Dear Vivian & all readers,
I just happened to read this article, a bit late though. A very interesting one I have to say. I’d like to give my comments too!
I am born & brought up in India & coming from an Army background , while growing up , we did not have 1 base as home. My father was in the Indian Army & every 2-3 years we shifted cities. Considering India is huge nearly as big as Europe, our shifts were like moving countries. Each state in India has its own culture &’language. Anyway close to 15 years ago , while I was a student I met my then Dutchman in shining armour who came riding in his big plane 🙂
We had a long distance relationship for nearly 4 years & decided to get married 12 years ago. We are still together , happily married & wiser in our relationship & live in an interesting cultural amalgamation.
It took me a long time to realize where my home was I guess due to the fact we were like traveling nomads when I grew up & to stay in one city & 1 house my entire was a very new & at times a strange concept. I have to say after nearly 12 years of living in the Netherlands , I finally see myself at home. It is for sure your comfort ground you build around yourself in terms of your friends , your beautician 🙂 or even a connection to your culture, visiting temples, watching Indian movies or eating a nice Indian meal is what makes me feel at home. I do miss the warmth & openness what I was used to in India but then I try to go back at least once a year back to my roots , to get re-charged. I believe it’s very important to be connected to your roots as that’s what has made the person you are ! And moreover having a lovely supporting man always helps !
Dear Shweta,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us.
Great to see the way you describe how you found your ‘own home’ regardless of the challenges of the expat life, the little details that makes us feel in comfort (love the point on the beautician-as an woman myself I get you 😉 and how love played a role on your concept of home.
Enjoy the blessing of a love filled life!,
Vivian
Excellent Article!
Though I am still on the road to discovery of where my home is, I know where it is not.
Though growing up in England, I never felt English. I always felt more connected to where my family was (Switzerland, Hungary). When I went on holidays, it would feel like going home but it was just a holiday! With all the chaos and family problems, home was always somewhere else. Now that I have moved to The Netherlands and have a supportive social group, I still don’t feel like this is my home. Possibly because I know at some point I will move away. I suppose home is where you are most happy.
Thank you so much for your comment and sharing your personal experience Thomas.
Glad that you find this article valuable.
I love your definition that home for you is where you are most happy 🙂
Best regards,
Vivian
I don’t know whether it’s just me or if everyone else experiencing issues with your site.
It appears as if some of the written text within your content are running off the screen. Can someone else please
comment and let me know if this is happening to them as well?
This could be a issue with my internet browser because I’ve had this happen before.
Kudos
Dear Gail,
Thanks for your comment. I have double checked with our IT guy and there is no problem with our site. Perhaps it is your browser, since you had the problem before?
I would like to thank you for taking the time to give us feedback and explore the cause of the issue. Above all, thanks for being a member of the Expat Nest community. We are glad to serve you and hope you find our articles valuable.
Best wishes,
Vivian